Blurry
by BlindingFirefly
Summary: Just some random reflections about life from the Winchester men, helped along by the Puddle of Mud song, Blurry. Please review!


Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Supernatural characters. If I did, I would be both rich…and really, really happy.

Note: This is a little more depressing than my normal stuff, but I felt the need to exorcise (pun intended) some of my negative feelings toward John. This did help, some. Enjoy, and no flames, please! Oh, and press the little review button at the bottom, it'll only take a second, and it would make me very happy…..

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

_Everything's so blurry,  
and everyone's so fake.  
And everybody's empty,  
and everything is so messed up.  
Pre-occupied without you,  
I cannot live at all.  
My whole world surrounds you,  
I stumble then I crawl.  
_

John Winchester walked down the street to his car, not even noticing the hustle and bustle of the people around him. Those were people that had lives that meant something, they didn't have a clue. In some strange way, he felt like they were dead and he was alive. And in another way, he felt like they were alive while he was the one who was dead. He'd felt dead ever since….

Climbing into his car, he put his keys into the ignition, but didn't turn the engine on. He allowed himself a moment of weakness as he put his face in his hands, leaning into the steering wheel. Why the hell had Missouri told him all of that? Did she think it would make him feel better, to know that Mary had died for a reason, even if it was the sickest one he'd ever heard in his life? How was knowing that demons lived and walked the streets with him, and knowing that one had killed his beloved wife, supposed to make a difference in the grief he felt?

Looking through his car window, John saw the people walking busily back and forth. There were businessmen, talking seriously into cell phones and holding leather brief cases. There were teenagers, laughing too loudly and trying to look important in their grunge outfits or Barbie cuteness.

God, they were all such idiots! They were all like Barbie dolls, smiling brightly and completely unaware of the evil around them. And now, he was considering placing himself between those plastic dolls and the powers of darkness, the spirits, demons, poltergeists, everything wicked thing that yearned for destruction. What else did he have to live for, besides eventually killing that fugly thing that had done this to his family? Mary felt so far away, so very far…

_You could be my someone  
you could be my scene  
you know that I'll protect you  
from all of the obscene  
I wonder what you're doing  
imagine where you are  
there's oceans in between us  
but that's not very far  
_

Like a thunder clap, something managed to get through John's grief. There were actually two things that he had to live for-his sons, Sammy and Dean. God, what was he in for? He had to prepare them; he had to teach them how to protect themselves! They must not ever be one of those plastic dolls that were caught unaware!

Firing his engine up, John drove off, into his new life.

_Can you take it all away  
can you take it all away  
well ya shoved it in my face  
this pain you gave to me  
Can you take it all away  
can you take it all away  
well ya shoved it my face  
_

Sam Winchester stared at down at the grave of his girlfriend. Guilt seared through his body, and he was having trouble breathing. For the first time, he truly understood a little of what his father had been going through when Mary had been killed. Jess had been his everything, the only person left in the world that thought that he could one day have a normal life. She had believed in him, encouraged him…she had been the one to separate him from all the horrors of the supernatural world. What was he supposed to do, now? Hunt down the demon, yes, but what after that? He knew now, as he had never truly known before, that there could be no going back. He would never be able to escape the evil that he knew walked the earth. It had invaded his safe and secure life, and thus he would never be safe and secure.

_Everyone is changing  
there's no one left that's real  
to make up your own ending  
and let me know just how you feel  
cause I am lost without you  
I cannot live at all  
my whole world surrounds you  
I stumble then I crawl  
_

Dean Winchester walked up from behind his brother as he knelt, sobbing over the grave of his girlfriend. He had never wanted Sammy to feel this, to know this kind of pain. Dean had been young when Mary had been killed, but he still remembered the gut-wrenching sorrow and despair that had filled him when Mommy didn't come out of the inferno that was the only home that he had ever known.

Ever since then, Sammy had been his responsibility, his care. Even though Sammy was a sissy sometimes, Dean loved him like he loved no one else. But what went on inside that head? Dean had always thought that there had to be something about Sammy that had called that thing to their house in Lawrence, something that attracted the attention of such a powerful supernatural being. In some ways, the brothers were incredibly close; they had to be, they were responsible for each other's lives. But at other times, they seemed worlds apart.

Still, Dean knew that he would do anything, go any distance to help Sam. Nothing was too hard-not even leaning down behind his brother and placing his hand on Sammy's shoulder, offering him comfort as he grieved for his girlfriend, and for his lost life.

_You could be my someone  
you could be my scene  
you know that I will save you  
from all of the unclean  
I wonder what you're doing  
I wonder where you are  
There's oceans in between us  
but that's not very far  
_

Sam Winchester watched as the body of his father burned on a bier that he and Dean had erected. They never wanted their father's spirit to be as active and as angry in death as it had been in life. This way, perhaps John would eventually have peace.

Even though he had resented everything about John during much of his childhood, Sam appreciated his military training now. It had kept him alive more than once. John had always been obsessed with making sure his sons were prepared for the world and the job that they would inherit. Bow hunting, hand to hand combat, firearms training, map reading-all of those skills were essential to hunters, and Sam had learned them all, even when he would rather have been curled up with a book or playing with a soccer ball.

Still, he was still battling guilt over Jess' death. If he had only taught Jessica some of those same skills, told her about spirits and their ways, perhaps she wouldn't have died. Sam had had the skills, and he hadn't passed them on. Jess' blood was on his hands, and he knew that. He knew that.

_Nobody told me what you thought  
nobody told me what to say  
everyone showed you where to turn  
told you when to runaway  
nobody told you where to hide  
nobody told you what to say  
everyone showed you where to turn  
showed you when to runaway  
_

Dean Winchester watched as the last embers of his father's body flew up into the wind, escaping the earth for all time. Not for the first time, he found himself wishing that John had never told him about the supernatural world. But even more, he wished that he didn't know what John had whispered in his ear. The pain from that knowledge hurt almost as much as the pain of his father's death. Why couldn't his father had taken that particular bit of information to the grave?

But he had to be strong for Sammy, especially now. Sam was both his blessing and his curse. Still, Sammy was the only reason that he was still sane, perhaps even alive. If only Sammy could take away Dean's pain, as he could Dean's sorrow? Why couldn't it all be taken away?

_This pain you gave to me  
You take it all  
You take it all away...  
This pain you gave to me  
You take it all away  
This pain you gave to me  
Take it all away  
This pain you gave to me_


End file.
